Never knew it would come so soon

Never knew it would come so soon

When it came

All I was left with was those memories we used to share

Every single bit of smiles I ever had

All the bad Hokkiens I tried to bring across

Even the Hacks sweet that was always on the kitchen table

The tiles I ran when I was so little back in the Clementi Home

When I had no cousins, just my brothers, just our family

You saw us grew up

You played a part

The times when you came to my place and helped with the house work

When papa mama quarrelled, you always scream at them

When I was performing on stage, you were there watching

My first ever plane ride, you were with me

I always look forward to say "gong xi fa cai" during Chinese New Year

Those times when you'd scold me when mama complain to you

When we grew up, and we frequent your place lesser

It still feels the same when you smile and held my hand

"Ai Ping ah" you would called out and I will smile back at you

The times when we visited Ah gong's grave, when you would teared but stayed strong

You always choose and pick your food

Sometimes you complain about your son's wife

Most times when you dote on your grandchildren

The times when you were strong while waiting to be treated

You stayed strong

papa always asked me to give you a call before I take off to any countries

We always say the same thing, you'd ask me to take care, I'd ask you to rest plenty

You were so sick but you still recognized me, you still held my hand, you still waved goodbye

Those images of you flashing right in front of me

so vividly

Those last moments

The times I stayed awake to finish this journey with you

for the last time

I was so tired, but I couldn't sleep

Those images playing over and over

Unable to accept the fact that you are gone

No more calls to tell you I'm flying

No more scoldings from you when I do wrong things

No more "Ah mah, rest plenty"

Ah mah, I thought you will be fine...

I thought you will spend more times with us

I thought...

But I'm glad you left painless, you left without struggle... I'm glad you slept off...

Ah Mah, 慢慢走，我们都会好好...

Set adrift on memory bliss

Too long isn't it? Left this space dead a a few months now, and can you believe that its May already? I was in Dubai and back, to Seoul and back. Fast leh! Hahaha!!!

The shows were all good, but as usual, tiring and hectic. Dubai was pretty stressful but revisiting those places i've been to 1 year ago was really like, "hey, i'm back, things are the same!" but of coz, there're some stuff which were different already. Its nice to go back there, with new colleagues and counterparts. New explorations, new experiences. I went to Dubai Mall again, where the huge aquarium was, and it cracked the last time i was there, and saw the musical fountain, was so beautiful.

I had quite a few meals of TGIF and many photo shoots with my colleague and boss. And I met a scandal again! Hee~

Some pics to share...

And then i was in Seoul. Gotten sick after the 1st day of landing, it was terrible. Seoul was 12 degree and below and everyday, its just so cold, too cold for me. The cold caught up with me and bugged me till I landed in Singapore.

My dear bff, better known as Hui joined me on this journey, but she had a much much better time than me, which I'm really happy for her. Afterall, i'm there to work, and she's there for holiday! She went out walking alone, PROUD of her, *clapS* We had quite some good food, spent money and just shop!!!

Its really a shoppers' paradise, would love to go again, for leisure the next time.

Great exhibitors with great feedbacks about the show, so i'm glad. Just pissed off by the contractor but I shall not penalised them on what someone else did.

Overall, Seoul is great, if not for the fact that i was sick, it would've been way better!

And as life settles back in Singapore, there was the Election which was something everyone had to talk about. Many views and many perspective but its over, and life has to go on.

Pondering

Today, i feel, i'm getting old, like really getting old. Its April now, and my Birthday is coming. Another year older than the last. sigh....

I'm flying off to Seoul this weekend. Thinking about the trips i've been to ever since i joined the association. I feel really lucky and at the same time, not. Seeing all the real things happening around me, starting to lose that skill of survival. And dishearten by the facts surfacing everywhere. The government that I respected started to show their flaws, and its painful to see that.

Loving all the trips, taking each like a milestone reached but i dun think i can do this for long. Nothing really to be envious of, its just as hard as staying in Singapore doing the same thing over and over. Yet, i am telling myself to JIA YOU and have fun with all of it.

My friends aren't doing well in love, neither am i. Seeing those breakups hurts just as much, thinking back and recalling how they've loved but no longer doing so now. Its funny how people changed that fast, how those ideals suddenly switched tracks and how one has to put up with it and carry on with life.

I don't think i can do that.

Mr Eddie Hoo has been lousy and like my work, i'm trying to put them at the back of my head and ignore them for a while.

Smile, World. It'll be very much better.

Down fall

Recently, i'm starting to feel that everything is not going smoothly. Every single thing that is happening doesn't have a good ending. Be it work, love or family. Making me feel like giving things up.

Was busy the last week covering duties for one of my colleague because he was overseas for work. Was at Pines for 1.5 days, and it kind of sux. The whole thing planned was turned upside down, the association incurred more expenses for the entire thing. I had to be shouted at for something stupid, and feeling awfully down throughout the weekend.

In love, eddie has decided to not do anything at the moment, all the effort i've put in has gone to waste and somehow, its my fault. Because i wanted a proper ROM ceremony, because i couldn't leave in Msia after marriage, because he is the only son, because i am the only daughter.... Seems like i'm a selfish bitch who is forcing him to do everything he never wanted.

In family, kept feeling that i'm being short changed because of my brothers. They really get what they wanted, really, everyone is on their side, but they feel like everything is in a mess. They are lucky, they can have everything they want, but me? Nobody seem to be looking out for wad i want.

See... Life is in a mess, everything is going down...

Photos which i dunno how to turn them around

Some photo logs from Valentine's to CNY to before i flew off to Dubai. I'm so outdated but recently been really busy with work, and life.

One thing i'm glad is, I don't feel tired doing the things I do, i don't complain that i'm too tired to do something (except when i've got period), I actually wanna do the things i wanna do. :)

Here, photos tells you. (Speaking of photos, I'm aiming for a better camera!)

Moving forward

You see, i went through some of my recent post and they all look SAD! So, i decided i should move forward and away from the unhappy stuff...

I've just returned from Dubai, after an extremely busy late Dec - Feb, I can finally breathe a little bit better.

Some updates perhaps?

My last trip for 2010 was Shanghai, again for work. Shanghai is really quite a nice place, although its unfamiliar to me, but the hotel staff made the 1st impression. I was kind of cheated by the cab driver before that though but well, its only S$5, and i was really too tired to count. Anyway, the hotel, I stayed at Radisson, it was really a nice big white room. Like the sight from the hotel too! hOhO!

Although i was kind of alone the entire trip but dun really feel too lonely. I had good food, and i got pecked on the cheek by a Spanish lady. Hee~ And I shopped the centre by myself, and bought many many Pocky! hahahaha!!! And, Mr Choo happened to be in Shanghai too and we took the same flight back to Singapore.

And my pretty sisters (Ting and Hui) and suave darling came to pick me up from the airport together with Ruth picking up her hubby.

Shanghai was nice. :)

Once I return, was busy with CNY luncheon, Dec was ok, pretty quiet but the prep for Dubai was horrible. Really, emails were FLYING everywhere.

Busy busy till CNY, and i had an awesome CNY, thought not very much prepared for it. Usual stuff, visiting and eating and meeting up with friends and i played mj with my colleague and ex-supplier, how NICE!

Back from CNY, it was the luncheon which made me sick. After the 10th day of CNY, i fell sick, and that was 1 week before my trip to Dubai. I went to the doctors, and got plenty of pills and rested.

There was of coz, Valentine's in the midst, sick, i still tried to celebrate with him.

And then it was Dubai.

Dubai was great last year, and this year, its not as bad, though there were quite a few unhappy moments, but well, LOOK OPEN!

And I got another scandal there, just like last year. Really funny! Hee~

Now that i'm back, I have many plans ahead.

1. My 2kor's solemnization
2. 4 Seminars/talks in March
3. Biz trip in April
4. Local Show in May
5. Biz trip in June

and MOST IMPORTANTLY, my solemnization!!!!

Anyone can help me source for a nice, cosy and private venue??? Hahahahaha!!!

Many things up ahead and I will do my best to take them ALL ON!!!!!!!!!!!!

The Middle East

I am flying to the Middle East tomorrow! I am not feeling much excitedness in my soul. Not because I was already there before but because there's a huge pavilion this time.

K, maybe the term is not familiar to most, the nature of my job - Trade fair, perhaps this will help a little. Anyway, 40 companies and just the 2 of us and another 2 we hired (BlEh!), a bit of challenge but, will enjoy myself! I will not let a teeny bits of work affect my mood overseas! I'm looking forward to EXPENSIVE FOOD and plenty of Coffee BEAN's Kopi! Hee~

Work won't affect my mood but my boyfriend does. Sigh.... Our Anniversary lies on 26 Feb but I'm already there fighting fire with the 40 companies... :( Anniversary didn't mean a lot for us in previous years because we don't usually celebrate, perhaps a dinner and I'll always hand make something for darling but this year, i thought its a bit more important and different from the previous because the chance of us signing the contract is high which means this will be last time we are celebrating Anniversary as dating couples, so it kind of mean something to me.

Sigh....

Plus my period date is round the corner, emotions are here and there. So, I asked darling to accompany everyday since last Saturday. Good thing CNY is over, and he can leave early, and he kept his promise this time round. :)

Pepperlunch dinner, Wang Jiao's Crispy chicken wings, Mcdonald (shared), Tang Shi Fu, shopping in JUSCO, shopping in IMM, Dinner at JE, watched DVD in shop... are some of the simple things we did...Simple and enough.

At home, I've been watching TV, drinking Liang Cha, drinking home made soups and slacking whenever possible. Having small talks with bros and their gfs, packing my room, finding a comfort spot and dozed off. Hahaha! Truth is, i just recovered from flu, plenty of rest are vital.

At work, plenty of things to do, and the schedule is almost full up until June, haha! Feels so pack.

Anyway, tonight, gonna give darling a pretty gift I bought, already gave him the one i made.

And the paths merged into one... Still, with you by my side...

Almost

I am almost ready to give it all up... All the sacrifaces were nothing in your eyes... I'm tired of being stuck in the middle, tired of trying too hard, tired of finding stupid excuses... I'm tired of being so tired...

不想说了

我真的不想再说了。为什么你总要为了他们来责罚我们？

我们已经够多烦恼了。

为什么当我已经准备好咽下这一切，你却要去跟他说？难到你的最终目标也是象他们，要把我们拆散？你忍心吗？

也许你可以，毕竟，你们认为的将会成为事实因为你们认为！
I'm sick and tired of all your craps! Wadever you say is wad u feel, u are just playing mind games with me and my boyfriend. I know you too well, and that's the very reason why it hurts so badly in my heart...

My rational mind is running out of balance and I swear I will leave. I dun want to face a group of hypocrites even my brothers even their wife to be! The care that you are giving is way too much for me to comprehend and I will comprehend no more. I will take off because that is for my own good.

My family are all that matters to me, and if you all choose not to believe me anymore, there's no more reason for me to be here. I dun care wad my aunty my grandma my uncle says, all that natters are you. But apparently I lost faith.

I am on my own.

Just wasn't enough

I spent an awesome weekend doing things I wanna do without getting tired out by my body or any mental stress. The year has just began and work hasn't piled up much.

Just when I ended a happy day with my Darling, I came home, took my bath and my ma told me how THEY felt that my bf was cheating my money, worse, cheating my MA's money too......... And it gets better, my brother has to come in and put a knife into everything.

Right. The 1st year with Eddie Hoo, had to do so much just to make my family believe he's real, and he's real towards me. And at the same time, I saw that he is real towards everything and know what kind of guy he really is. Since then, it was umpteen times of convincing others to see things from my shoes, to see things from his shoes and eventually, having people finally giving us their blessings, envy of this relationship, and accepting the fact that this is it.

What others say, it doesn't matter to me. What my family says, matter a lot. But they never know how much their words weigh and they just swing it across, expecting me to comprehend but most of the times, I had to swallow them hard and digest it. Even if I don't, i kept it to myself, tried so hard not to let anyone know.

After Eddie came out on his own, there were so much difficulties. I was WARNED not to use my name to do his business, we had to go through so much boundaries - the law, the venue, the money etc. But we were lucky, we met Amy, she helped unconditionally (k, perhaps to help her business too), and assist in so much. Even after that, Eddie had to work so hard, sometimes till 12am, just to earn enough to cover the rental, the products, the utilities, the insurance, the car, the bike, his family and himself. Its so freaking much, but he's still trying. So many times he wanted to just quit, give it up and let it go, but I kept persuading him to go on, to just give it another shot... It was so tough and it still is but I am ready to help whenever he needs it.

My mama started to see how hardworking he is, and starts to finally accepting him, and you know how much that meant to me? A lot.... So much more than life alone.

But... They have to come in and tell tales and start badmouthing the man I love, start giving him names, start accusing him... No... All those hard works he put in, I put in, its not worthy of your trust? NO?! Tell me, how much money is it worth to find someone you love, who is working so FUCKING hard just to LET all you FUCKING people see that HE IS WORTHY of ME! And please, for goodness sake, look at my family, HOW FUCKING RICH do you think you ARE to look down on someone who worked from SCRATCH to have what he has today?! NO, you do not have the right to say bad things to someone like that.

I'm sick to the stomach just thinking about how you discriminate him. No, I'm not blinded by love. I still know how to differentiate right from wrong, and I can see it with my own eyes how hard he works, and how stress he is....

He had a choice. He don't have to be so hardworking, he can just make-do with the measely pay he used to had, but he took 1 HUGE step just to prove to you that he is worthy of me....

"As you grow older, you see more. And those sweet little things become so unimportant...." How do you expect me to read that? To become materialistic??? No, I know my league. I know where I stand. I am not the best, I am just another girl who is Ok in her studies, who landed a good job, and fell in love with someone average. Its not money that I love, its him that I love.

I'm lucky, I have all the support from my friends, from ALL of my FRIENDS. But is that enough?

I told myself to ignore all the comments from you but sometimes, when it travels to my ear, I get chills. I'm so afraid of my family.... You dare not come straight to me and ask and understand, you had to make assumptions. You had to believe yourself more than me. Do you even know me? What? I only see you like 10 times or something a year? Do you EVEN know ME?!

No, you don't.

Its a pity... I dun need your blessing because I have all of them from my friends, I don't need it from you. And if my mother believes me, that's enough for me. Even if she decides not to, i'm fine with it too. I live my life, the way I want it to be.

Its been 4 years and it wasn't enough to prove anything to you. So be it. Its none of anyone's business. I'm happy the way I am.

Happy 2011!!!

And the new year begins, undisrupted. By undisrupted, i meant nothing close to the end of the world since rumours has it that, the world will come to an end in 2012 which I am starting to believe soon.

I heard over the radio that EARTH is already in contact with ALIENS! OMG! Find it so scary, do they seriously have big eyes, big head and advance technology or are they like Transformer? I hope they are like transformers... Heh. Ok, am dreaming...

Well well, 2010 seems to pass by so very quickly. I don't quite rmb much of the happenings throughout the year, any achievements? Hmm.... Travelling many countries counted? Heh! I need to plan my 2011 properly from now on.

Much to achieve this year too. I've got more responsibility on hand now, after 1 full year and getting my 13th month bonus, I odd to be more conscientious. HAahahAhA! That's not the reason la! Because I kind of like my job. Although the association can be really in a mess sometimes, its the people that makes the place nice to work in. There's bound to be unahppy times, but i guess everywhere is like that. Well, make a change!

2011 also marks the end of checking the "Single" box. If nothing goes wrong, Darling and I will sign that contract this year. Hahahaha! Well, a little unprepared but nothing can be nicely planned i guess. And step by step we'll take. We need to save up for house, for wedding, for car (optional), for ehhh... I think that's it. Ha!

And, I also wanna enrol myself into a degree course by this year. I'm hoping to do it by 3rd quarter of the year, so I can have the luxury of the Dec period (not so busy) but dunno will have class or not. HAhaha!!!

SO, i got work, love and studies to accomplish this year. Did it sum up?

JIA YOU TEO AI PING!

HAPPY 2011!!!!

My life since September

Here, let me make up for wad i've lost and i dun want these period to be empty when i look back a few years later.

Since my very last update on Ruth and Hui Ge's wedding, I also attended BT Kor's wedding before i set off for France. Really got a lot of weddings this year and I tried to attend those when I'm available for it.

BT kor's wedding was a good gathering with some of the oldest OHS peeps back then. You know, OHS was a big part of my life, growing up there really thought me a lot. I picked up a lot of things from there and a lot of great people I met. 

And then it was roughly 2 weeks in Paris. I was really sick before we set off for the trip and it didn't help when it was so damn cold there. The 15 hours flight kind of shortened to say 8 hours because half the time, i was in concussion mode, after drinking 10ml worth of cough syrup, fever pills, flu pills and headache pills. A heat pad was on my stomach through the entire flight.

I must say, that rest onboard really helped me recover from the 1 week long sickness.

And then it was work and Paris and the strike. :(

After my return from Paris, I had a busy 2 weeks dealing with local show and some loose ends for the coming trip. And then, i took off to Shanghai again while my colleague took off right away to Macau. The journey to Shanghai was really vague, I didn't get the best seat and I had be to squeezed with minimal space and again, I slept through it coz i was so freaking lack of sleep!

Most of the time, I was by myself. I didn't walk on my own too much, but was glad i had the company of a few bosses during one of the nights, contractor took me to dinner, organiser also took me to dinner, and the rest of it, i was by myself, in my hotel room, watching HBO (thank god there's HBO and MTV). Opps! I did walk on my own a bit near the hotel, shopping in the supermarket. HA!!!

Didn't get picture of Hui Ge, we took the same flight back from Shanghai, he came to pick me up coz his company allows him to hire a chauffeur and the few hours flight was shortened with him chatting with me, and the 2 hour long movie "3 idiots" made me laugh and cry.

I guess the happiest part of this trip was, I came home happy. My girls; Ting and Hui, gave me a HUGE surprise popping up at the airport during my arrival and my darling came to pick me up too.

I took a day off and rested after this chaotic 2 trips.

Went to a Burmese restaurant with Darling for a good treat.

Then it was Steven's BD. Can't believe how fast time flies. I still feel so new in this association but its already been a year.

In between, somewhere, Darling bought his new bike.

We had our annual Asia Pacific Food Expo, and i'm telling you, it was a dramatic year. There's no more senior to look up to, we're on our own and i can say, i'm on my own. Half hearted in all the things i've done, i have to admit i'm really bad at multi tasking. The overseas shows drove me almost mad and concurrently dealing with the local show, i was nearly out of breath but i'm glad i didn't have to take charge of too many things. But its times like these that i hope Feliz and Jesscy were around to guide me through but that's no longer possible.


The show ended dramatically too.

On the Sunday after the show ended, its the BIG walk from Marang trail to Hort park organized by the association. It was a little bit scary being involved in the Ops but i'm glad i pulled through safely.

Knowing my busy schedule at work and i admit i've been giving time only to my boyfriend and my family, i neglected my friends. And I tried to organize a meet up finally, after everything settled down a little 1 week before Christmas. Its been 1 million years!!!!

I went out with mama one of the Wednesday knowing ya, i haven't been going out with her for a while. It was a day long of shopping with her in Chinatown and then we went to Darling's shop and I gave mama a good hair wash. Hee~~~~

Met up with my Aiai last week too. Our always simple catch-ups together. :)

 Then with my baby forever.

Wedding lunch of Mr Wong's son, our entire association were instructed to arrive on time.

My day ended on 26 Dec with my lovely boyfriend.

Today, its 28 Dec 10. 2010 is coming to an end. Its been a really swift year. I never thought I would travel so much in a year, 8 times, that about 3/4 of the year. I really really appreciate everything i've learnt so far at work, its really an eye opener.

My relationship with Eddie has been really rocky this year, I don't know how many people actually knows but i tried to keep it well. I guess his shop and my work contributed to all the unnecessary fights, but we're trying. We know we still love each other... Very much. And soon, its time for us to settle down. Old enough? I think so. :)

And I guess 2011 will be a much much better year, extremely good year.

PS: I can't help thinking about what the Tarot card reader said about my life during our last CNY luncheon. It was casual but it seems like, everything she said, is slowly revealing. This is scary...

its my fault

We quarrelled again last night and i've been feeling bad since. I know i'm too sensitive. and i spoil it all...

I'm sorry.

The truth that can never be untold. I'm sorry Darling for causing the pain in your heart, I should've just sleep through with it... Darling, can you hold my hand again...

I forgot time existed

I was sitting in front of the television, after our lil gathering at the shop, watching survivor. Suddenly this thought just came to me; I forgot time existed.

Wad I've always been doing seems unrecorded and unreal. I forgot the importance of looking throug my answers and confirming my thoughts. So, this is the price to pay for growing up. When time is so scarce we can barely grip on to life.

There are so many things I want to do but so lil strength and enthusiasm to do. But time is running out, before I knew it, 2010 is already coming to it's end.

Dreams of those days are slowly but surely losing it's place in my heart.

I have plenty of dreams, and I hope to fulfill at least 1 in my life.

It's time I return to reality.

My blog is almost dying...

Been neglecting this space for so long. Almost squeezed this little frame out of my life already but this is where my life is well kept, well stored.

Busy period is finally over. When I think back, its actually pretty fulfilling, when you know nothing and slowly picked things up. It takes time and effort to know everything, and i still have a long distance to go.

My boyfriend and I have been fine recently, I am doing my best to give in and I can see, he is doing the same. An improvement I presumed. I guess i pushed this relationship too much, and made it so tensed for myself and for him sometimes and his lack of "bother-ness" drives the same relationshipt to the brink. But when i broke to him my thoughts, my willingness to give this up, if need be brought him back. At least now, I feel he thinks for me as well. And I, decided I shall not bother much anymore because there are too many other things in life to smile and laugh about than to be crying everyday.

So, we are fine, better than ever! I am looking forward to next year, Darling, with you. :)

His shop isn't doing too good. I, too, decided to withdrew from any decision or comments towards the rest of the shop.

Recent happenings caused too much trouble to me. I dun judge, and i hate to be judged. And when I do pass my judgement towards somebody, I will always say, that's my opinion. Apparently others don't think that way, others will assume that my opinion stands for someone else's opinion, and start to be bias against myself and the others.

I don't pull pple in for no reason. The only reason somebody else comes into the picture is because you associate them with me. In this instance, look at my boyfriend and me as 2 individual person, with our own opinion.

Its irritating when you see everybody putting in 100% effort to do things while others are not. And for those that did not, they talk too much, but do too little and they push blames to other people and the turn the table around and point fingers at others. And out of no where, I become a victim.

The services rendered FOC to me is reciprocated with services FOC for you. Yet the services rendered by me is FOC and need not be reciprocated with anything only because I was free and I had the interest to do it. Nobody is taking this for granted? I think everybody are.

For the past 3 months, while I was away, while i was freaking busy, where were the updates? No updates. It doesn't bother me, it really doesn't but when you start saying things like as if i'm not doing my job, I get frustrated and feels unjustified because to begin with, that is not my job.

It meant no harm but I guess its too much for others to take.

Its up to me from now on.

Pre-departure note

I had a tiff with Darling just now. Murphy's law i guess? Before I depart from Singapore, we never fail to get mad at each other and fight.

Mix feeling about this trip. Preparation work seems so vague, but i hope everything will be ok. My luggage is damn heavy coz of the brochures which i chose to carry myself instead of freighting over coz I know its too late already.

I hope pavilion will be fine <- work term so dun worry if u dun understand. Suddenly miss my ex colleagues because they are forever so zai, and me, i still feel so weak in this area.

Its sad to know the truth when everything seems so perfect... Now that I know, what can I do to follow? I wish we were like before, when nothing matters more than the two of us... Reality does take its toll on people don't they? I made my promise... My days away from home, I hope you will be happy, I hope it will be a good time for us to think through everything... My heart will always be with you, Darling... I love you.