Recently

Quite a bit of stuff happening recently, and that kind of explains why my sudden visit back to my 5 year old blog. Its always like that, when I don't really feel like talking to anyone else about my problems, i decided that this is the best sanctuary for me to say anything and everything even if it means, letting strangers see, but then again, I don't think there'll be too many people interested to read my word-heavy blog. 

Work

Work has been rather monotone recently, no big happenings, no major setbacks. Its just some of those small little things that piled up day by day that causes some kind of bad aura within me. I supposed this is work, where you suffer, manage PR, spend most of your hours at. 

My bosses are temperamental, and sometimes, unreasonable. They'll just say things that doesn't really concern me, but becomes my issue. These days, I kind of take them all in stride. I used to get really angry, and just hate talking to anyone when those stuff happens, but now, i take them in stride. Because I know, no matter what I do, I can't stop it from happening, they are, afterall, my bosses. 

My motivation to work becomes stagnant. I used to complain about travelling for work but now, I kind of look forward to travelling, being away from office, not worrying about sudden backlash... And most importantly, a period away from Singapore. 

You know, the irony is, this is quite a good job. Pretty relax during down times, and really just do nothing but i guess sometimes, its those emotional hormones acting up. 

Family

I used to not think too much about my family. I don't put in too much effort to maintain relationship, but I know if they need me, I'll still be there. However, when ah mah passed away last year, I started to feel that I should maintain a relationship, make some effort to do certain things to make the family whole but as I try to do it, put in effort, put in feelings, I get hurt even more than I used to. 

It kind of reminded me why I decided back then, that I will always be around but I prefer to stand on my own. Its really hurtful sometimes. The thought of putting in so much effort but gets nothing in return, or i should say, gets shit in return. 

Those things that I know but never spells out, just spilled out suddenly, everyone is unhappy, everyone is angry... Not entirely because of me, of course. I just regret putting in so much feelings and hurting myself at the same time. 

Today, I decided, I will be who I am, as always, whichever way anyone may feel about me, it no longer matters, what matters most is being happy and worry-free. 

Relationship

Eddie and my relationship has been more or less the same. We are making efforts to quarrel lesser and trying to compromise with each other. 

However, there are times when I don't understand him. He has changed, a lot and he says the same about me. I don't know why a man can change so drastically... Completely different. Its not a bad thing but sometimes, its just hard to understand. 

I guess men have their egos, and Eddie is one of those guys, who live with their pride and hates it when someone pulls their pride down... Strictly speaking, they just can't be laughed by anyone.

House

Managed to secure a house with HDB, but i'm not exactly really happy about it. I'm happy coz I have a house now, with eddie, but i'm moving out of my current place, the place where i stayed for the past 2 decades. 

During bad times, I always think i'm chased out of the house to make way for both brothers. Because they are both getting married, both needs room, and i'm the odd one and naturally be the one the move. Not long ago, I was still upset about the fact that my mum ask me to rent a room if both of them are really getting married at the same time which really broke my heart. 

It still does now. Even though i'm moving out on my own accord, and happy for them. But as I look at their current state, I don't feel the worth of doing so. Even if i don't have a flat now, I would still, move out on my own, for my brothers. 

That's something i'm willing to do, willing to sarcriface, and I know I shouldn't ask for anything in return, i'm not asking for anything actually. I just needed an assurance, a sense of appreciation... Yet, i get none. Instead, i get shits most of the time. 

Stupid? I think so. 

为什么要怎么伟大？为什么要为别人？因为我傻，因为我懂得爱。

Anyway, i got a flat now, and i'm waiting for HDB to process everything. I should be able to get my house this year. 

Shop

I'm actually quite tired with the shop. Because eddie don't appreciate my help and always thinks i'm being nosey. 

I actually wish i can wash my hands off it. However, if i do so, what will happen. There will be $0 in the account, there will be problems with authority, there'll be plenty of problems which I solved without asking Eddie. Because I know he won't bother, he will just ask around some customers and assume an answer. 

I wish i don't have to poke my nose in, and just sit around, doing nothing... Sigh... 

I will make this shop a success, I know I will. I just need to get pass this difficult time. 

Me

I've been working in my current company for almost 3 years now. Which means i've graduated for 3 years now. My initial plan of getting a degree 2 years after employment was pushed back until now. 

I kind of decided to take up my degree with Murdoch this year. I did my application but will be waiting for news on my advance standing. 

Do I want the degree? Yes.

Is it necessary? I don't know. 

For every reason that I think of not doing the degree, i'm slapped by my own reasoning. I know I should get 1, even if its just to sit on. But today, my problem is, i know i will struggle with my finances.

You know what, i'm still gonna do it. Its only 1.5years. 

Life is planned out so differently for everyone, back then, I don't see myself doing what i'm doing now. I wanted a simple life, an easy kind of life style but today, i got so many problems, so many issues, with so little strength to resolve, just to achieve a simple life... 

So, what exactly is a simple life? 

No need for lectures, no need for preaches, I still want my life, as it is.