Outdated

I've been told that my post seems outdated. I guess its about time to start putting in something?

Well, 2012 is quickly coming to an end, a lot of things happened this year, a lot of time consumed, I'm still caught in the whirlwind, it hasn't settled yet.

Darling sold his Altis, and we bought a Fit, he applied for PR, and got the PR, he moved out of the old shop and moved into the new premise, we applied for SBF, and we got SBF, I move out of my house and into the new house. Very simply put, but its been a hell of a year.

Never have I thought things could happen so quickly, no time to digest, but I guess it did. The last month of the year, and I'm finding some time to slowly digest every single thing that happened. I have had a tough time trying to be an owner, the issue with the tenant, the utilities, the groceries, the cleanliness of my house, they can really crawl all over me.

Sometimes I don't quite understand why someone can just not bother about the things they messed up and decides that someone else will clean up for them. I was swallowing every single time but I think I really had enough. I never had to wash the toilet, and now that I do, i willingly do it for myself but not when someone else decides that she doesn't have to clean up after she used it. And the disastrous part is the saliva of her kid. Argh... I got tired of complaining. Really tired. Seriously, the line needs to be drawn clear. Be a tenant.

Ok, 1 para was enough for the craps she created. Damn it.

Work has been stagnant, nothing much happened, nothing much to be excited about, guess this is the part when I say, "I think I need to find something else to do"? hahaaa!!! Also started school, managed to get pass the 1st trimester but i'm not really optimistic about the results which should be out soon...

I went a quite a few places this year as well, Dubai, Seoul, Kota Kinabalu, Paris and Shanghai. Travelling is fun, always, relieve all the crappy stresses, escape from reality, whatever you want to call it, for me, it is the freedom.

I'm gonna skip the part which my Bro got married, yeah, its a joyous occasion, no denial but well, I can only say, it happened. I think I am happy for him. Full-stop.

O, I went to take corporate photo with my colleague, this is one of the shots.

Out of the comfort zone, into the strange new place, dealing with the unfamiliar, all by myself. Life, hasn't been too friendly, yet I am still holding on, firmly, to what I always believe in.

moving away

As usual... Every time something was about to happen or has even happened, I don't really have too much emotions. Today, I realised, i have moved away from my family.

The process of planning, buying things, having lots of laughters and quarrels with Darling over the smallest issue of what colour to choose, and all the silly things that happened along the way, was great fun. It was a time which I got to know my darling more, a time when i know he will not put me in lurch, a time when i know, i can count on this man for the rest of my life. Although he will get angry due to things i do and said or just simply because he's tired, at the end of the day, he made everything possible.

While I was so busy with work and studies, while i was feeling exhausted from menses, he took time to go to our new place to fix things, to get things ready for us to move in by 30 Sep.  It was through this, i know, that Mr Hoo, is a really really responsible and he will never leave me fending for myself.

Despite so, my moving away is a devastating moment for myself. Its like finally having a life on my own, nobody at home to take care of me, no one to help me with the dishes, no more "Mama!"

After all the moving and clearing and cleaning, I took my bath, sat down on my bed, and suddenly realised, I've moved away. Away from my home of 23 years. I put on a strong front infront of everyone, feels happy when I need to but deep down inside, I miss home already.

As much as I don't want to think about it, when i'm alone, when my mind had a minute of breather, I'll think of it. Suddenly, my house is empty... Its just me and my tenant.

It feels like going overseas for work, forever.

Typing from home

Can't rmb the last time i typed an entry from home, even since my laptop was down for the past 2years? I haven't really been typing a blog from home.

Today, i'm sitted at the same place i always sit on in my room, looking at a slightly different screen but still on the same blog i created some years ago, typing some expressions. Its pretty ironic huh, in i guess a month or so time, i'll be heading out of this house, a strange yet familiar place.

A lot of feelings but very little words to express them, just keep telling myself to put this feeling at the back of my head, because it really isn't that important, or is it? Heh!

I have to admit i've been quite stressed up recently. The house, the school and i guess very much the money. Its really tough when you didn't planned things out well enough. It used to be a thought but when it comes true, there're just so many things you need to think about, fulfill them. This is actually the first time, i totatlly experienced this phrase, "easier said than done".

I'm struggling, its a fact. So what? I still gotta deal with it.

As much as Darling is doing his best to help and its really 2 persons shouldering this huge rock, but it just seem so heavy still.

Perhaps its because i decided to study now? Schools starting in wad, 3 days time, and i'm not feeling anything, i know its gonna be tough but it hasn't really knock me hard enough. Maybe i'll realised it only after i fall flat on my face, or maybe i'll be able to handle it?

I don't know.

With each passing day, i keep telling myself, i can do and i will do it. But seriously, how???

Ms Teo, you need to do it, regardless.

I hope for the best.

where the 2 world clash

Just needed to write out some thoughts about many of the things happening recently. Its been pretty chaotic as far as i'm aware. Things all packed together, but I don't know, I think i'm still having quite a good time despite all the stress.

Firstly, got our house. Its quite ironic, how i'm the last to apply for a flat but am getting it first. Of course, this didn't come easy. It took so much out of me just to make things right. You know, sometimes, i just don't feel worth it, doing all these things, because no one really appreciates them. Sometimes, I actually feel like i'm alone, facing all hell.

From last september through to now, hasn't been the smoothest journey. Time and again, i've been reminded how important others' feelings are, and how much I should give in to others. Yet until today, i feel, everything that i am doing, i'm doing for others, for the benefit of others. Of course, being with the one i love, achieving a house of my own, are my ultimate aims, but it just wasn't as easy as it seems.

I wish, there comes a day when everyone would just agree with my choice.

Well, that said, getting a house is still a happy thing for me. I must say, and I must complain about not having enough money for anything and that kind of strained darling and my relationship a little. I feel like a fool each time i put in so much effort when at the end of the day, its just totally brushed aside by him. He always thinks that its fine to just say something irresponsibly and expects people to agree with him, but he never thought about the consequences, and definitely not the impact on me. Then again, I can't really blame him. He has his concerns. i just hope, he can be a little bit more sensitive towards my feelings.

Next, starting my degree soon! I'm happy too. You know, after dragging it for soooo long, i am finally able to take that big step to enrol for the course.

Then, there are a lot of people jeering about it. I actually need to keep a secret about going to study, just so people won't know, and they won't say. Its just crap. I'm like stuck in this modern cum traditional world, that gray area.

Seriously, why would anyone feel that way about others, like why do I not deserve the opportunity i yearn for and that i can achieve.

I keep asking myself, why do i allow all of the above to affect me so badly, why do i feel so stressed out because of wad others think?

I feel so tired sometimes, having to accommodate to everyone but no one accommodates for me.

Just the other day, I stopped and took a good look around my house for the past 24 years, and there was an overwhelming sensation... All of a sudden, I need to leave, hastily... Didn't even have time to say goodbye...

Recently

Quite a bit of stuff happening recently, and that kind of explains why my sudden visit back to my 5 year old blog. Its always like that, when I don't really feel like talking to anyone else about my problems, i decided that this is the best sanctuary for me to say anything and everything even if it means, letting strangers see, but then again, I don't think there'll be too many people interested to read my word-heavy blog. 

Work

Work has been rather monotone recently, no big happenings, no major setbacks. Its just some of those small little things that piled up day by day that causes some kind of bad aura within me. I supposed this is work, where you suffer, manage PR, spend most of your hours at. 

My bosses are temperamental, and sometimes, unreasonable. They'll just say things that doesn't really concern me, but becomes my issue. These days, I kind of take them all in stride. I used to get really angry, and just hate talking to anyone when those stuff happens, but now, i take them in stride. Because I know, no matter what I do, I can't stop it from happening, they are, afterall, my bosses. 

My motivation to work becomes stagnant. I used to complain about travelling for work but now, I kind of look forward to travelling, being away from office, not worrying about sudden backlash... And most importantly, a period away from Singapore. 

You know, the irony is, this is quite a good job. Pretty relax during down times, and really just do nothing but i guess sometimes, its those emotional hormones acting up. 

Family

I used to not think too much about my family. I don't put in too much effort to maintain relationship, but I know if they need me, I'll still be there. However, when ah mah passed away last year, I started to feel that I should maintain a relationship, make some effort to do certain things to make the family whole but as I try to do it, put in effort, put in feelings, I get hurt even more than I used to. 

It kind of reminded me why I decided back then, that I will always be around but I prefer to stand on my own. Its really hurtful sometimes. The thought of putting in so much effort but gets nothing in return, or i should say, gets shit in return. 

Those things that I know but never spells out, just spilled out suddenly, everyone is unhappy, everyone is angry... Not entirely because of me, of course. I just regret putting in so much feelings and hurting myself at the same time. 

Today, I decided, I will be who I am, as always, whichever way anyone may feel about me, it no longer matters, what matters most is being happy and worry-free. 

Relationship

Eddie and my relationship has been more or less the same. We are making efforts to quarrel lesser and trying to compromise with each other. 

However, there are times when I don't understand him. He has changed, a lot and he says the same about me. I don't know why a man can change so drastically... Completely different. Its not a bad thing but sometimes, its just hard to understand. 

I guess men have their egos, and Eddie is one of those guys, who live with their pride and hates it when someone pulls their pride down... Strictly speaking, they just can't be laughed by anyone.

House

Managed to secure a house with HDB, but i'm not exactly really happy about it. I'm happy coz I have a house now, with eddie, but i'm moving out of my current place, the place where i stayed for the past 2 decades. 

During bad times, I always think i'm chased out of the house to make way for both brothers. Because they are both getting married, both needs room, and i'm the odd one and naturally be the one the move. Not long ago, I was still upset about the fact that my mum ask me to rent a room if both of them are really getting married at the same time which really broke my heart. 

It still does now. Even though i'm moving out on my own accord, and happy for them. But as I look at their current state, I don't feel the worth of doing so. Even if i don't have a flat now, I would still, move out on my own, for my brothers. 

That's something i'm willing to do, willing to sarcriface, and I know I shouldn't ask for anything in return, i'm not asking for anything actually. I just needed an assurance, a sense of appreciation... Yet, i get none. Instead, i get shits most of the time. 

Stupid? I think so. 

为什么要怎么伟大？为什么要为别人？因为我傻，因为我懂得爱。

Anyway, i got a flat now, and i'm waiting for HDB to process everything. I should be able to get my house this year. 

Shop

I'm actually quite tired with the shop. Because eddie don't appreciate my help and always thinks i'm being nosey. 

I actually wish i can wash my hands off it. However, if i do so, what will happen. There will be $0 in the account, there will be problems with authority, there'll be plenty of problems which I solved without asking Eddie. Because I know he won't bother, he will just ask around some customers and assume an answer. 

I wish i don't have to poke my nose in, and just sit around, doing nothing... Sigh... 

I will make this shop a success, I know I will. I just need to get pass this difficult time. 

Me

I've been working in my current company for almost 3 years now. Which means i've graduated for 3 years now. My initial plan of getting a degree 2 years after employment was pushed back until now. 

I kind of decided to take up my degree with Murdoch this year. I did my application but will be waiting for news on my advance standing. 

Do I want the degree? Yes.

Is it necessary? I don't know. 

For every reason that I think of not doing the degree, i'm slapped by my own reasoning. I know I should get 1, even if its just to sit on. But today, my problem is, i know i will struggle with my finances.

You know what, i'm still gonna do it. Its only 1.5years. 

Life is planned out so differently for everyone, back then, I don't see myself doing what i'm doing now. I wanted a simple life, an easy kind of life style but today, i got so many problems, so many issues, with so little strength to resolve, just to achieve a simple life... 

So, what exactly is a simple life? 

No need for lectures, no need for preaches, I still want my life, as it is. 

Head held high

I guess this really is a bad year?

I'm getting really tired every day that passes by, keep dragging my feet, keep lowering my head... I don't feel like i'm needed. I'm always given shits, loads of shits to handle. family-wise, biz-wise, relationship wise.

Why do I need to help people with their things when I get nothing in return? I was really trying to help, NOT trying to make myself disposable. I'm being nice, not to be taken for granted for.

Are those my jobs? My duty?

I guess I only have myself to blame? But if i don't step in, will this business even survive? Maybe if I don't step in, it would be better off for our relationship... Maybe...

Serve me right.

Happiness is?

This year seems like a good year for some of the tangible things in life. Mr Hoo got his PR, and we got our house. I'm glad we got the house... Very happy actually.

However, good things never come alone. Its accompanied by the bad ones. My eldest bro is getting married end of the year. In a way, my moving out of the house is a necessary move, to make way for them and for my 2nd bro. Didn't really expect things to move so fast. Applied for house in Mar 2012, and i think by Sep/Oct 2012, we'll be able to get the keys. This also means, we're gonna be in debt for almost the rest of our lives (as of now, until we re-finance), and i'm really stressed up by that.

Trying my best to still look fine, feel fine and just like the past 10 years of my life, pretend I don't care. Pretence, yes. For the past 10 years, regardless of what happened, I act as if i don't care, all I cared about was myself, is still myself. Apparently, everybody thinks i'm made of metal, and i am emotionless. They all think i'm fine with the things they say, the things that they go overboard with. The fact is, I let it go but that doesn't mean I don't remember.

Whatever have I done wrong to deserve hurtful words from everyone? Why should I be the one to have fingers pointing at me saying bad things about me?  Why don't I deserve a word of blessing? Why are there no one who can shower me with words of care? Why as the youngest one, i'm always being pushed one side to fend for myself? Why dont I have brothers who dote on me? Why don't I have parents who thinks i'm good enough?

Its been forever, running after that kind of love which I can't feel.... And when i decided i found it somewhere, no one supports me... No one ever did... But i'm happy though... really happy.

I don't need anyone to sabotage this. I kept quiet, I merely don't care...

Seriously, if you have done something wrong, you make up to it, you don't act, you seriously don't. Perhaps I shouldn't have cut that queue, but I don't think its wrong. Maybe you feel that its wrong... But I'm sorry, I wouldn't have change my mind if i'm given a chance to all over again. You are not wrong, you have your concerns but that, I don't really care.

I'm moving out already, let me move out peacefully. I don't need your help, don't need no ones' help... I can do it by myself, peacefully. I will move out without self-pity, without feeling unwanted, I will leave this house for the rest of you...

I will still do my part as a daughter, that's all.

why did you stab me in my heart and twist the knife so hard? why can't all of you just leave me alone? just leave me alone... 

Disheartenings

Sometimes, I just feel like the whole world is against me... I really don't know what I did wrong. If anyone could see this post, I want to address my grievances, the fact that I'm forced into being in debt for the next 3 decades of my life. The fact that I decided to move out of my house, the fact that I'm always the most unwanted amongst them... Am I so unworthy of their care?

 I'm so stressed out sometimes, but I refused to tell anyone, why?! Because I don't want anyone to worry so much about me, except me. I act as if I'm worry-free, as if I ignored every single Important matter but who knows me? More than me? Nobody cared about how I feel moving out, nobody thinks I'll feel sad or even miss this house, all they do is argue with about the things they want, things they want to move to my house, the money that may never come back, the rooms that they can want... What about me? It's like I'm supposed to leave. It's like it should have been me...

 Why am I always pushed aside to fend for myself while everyone else are kept safe in the shelter... Why am I considerate? It was just a bloody game of mahjong that I played through the night and my friends and I giggled to our jokes and you had to send a nasty message to make me feel bad? What about the times you fucking phone rings non-stop at night when you were texting your wife, while I was tired and trying to fall asleep? What about those days when your fucking alarm clock rings non-stop and you refused to get up until somebody actually wakes you up? Did I ever throw a nasty message at you? Did I even say anything to make you feel bad. It was just one night after almost 6 months of mj absence. You had to throw your tantrum. Why?

I'm sorry, but the only reason I can think of is that your wife is mad at me for not playing with her! And you are just angry with me because u feel I disrespect her. In fact, everything I do, u all feel is disrespectful. I feel pity for myself, having to compromise with such craps. Rest assure, this will be the last game in this house.

And I won't be nice anymore.

My wants - Fulfilled

As the 1st quarter of 2012 is coming to an end, many things had happened and a lot of them aren't the happiest or greatest. 

One of the thing that I had enjoyed beginning this year is being able to travel with Mr Hoo. After 5 years, he finally decided to travel with me. :) 

It was a short trip, 6 days, 5 nights but was enough already. 

Well, I wish 2012 can be a lot better. Its only a wish. Everything that has happened thus far, haven't be pleasant. Financially, emotionally, work-wise, family-wise and even with Mr Hoo.

As always, tomorrow will be a better day.

Till then. Ciao!