Ermm... Wasn't a good week for me. I've yet to begin my revision like i've planned. Several reasons for that. 1st, I was too tired from school. 2nd, pple started to jio me out at night. 3rd, i accompanied my ma to buy groceries. Hai... Tired from school is an inevitable factor. Accompanying my ma? Ermm... Though i can choose not to, I can't bear to, for a very simple reason, nobody would go with her if i dun. Pple asking to got out can be avoided, totally, i guess i made the wrong move.
Having a tough few days, both physically and mentally. Prelim's nearing and i didn't have time to start with revision, somehow, stress came upon me unknowingly. Then, there is the part of doubting my own ability, i dunnoe if i can make it. Looking at pple around me working so hard, i felt guilty, i know i shouldn't be making myself feel this way, but i just do.
Emotions rising, thoughts came, and i seeked some wise words from a wise man. He told me so much, so much so that i couldn't remember wad i initially asked. Feeling lonely along this path, very lonely. Although i'm used to being alone, to do things myself but somehow, this year, it seems really tough. Considering the pressure i had in the beginning of the year, then my own incapability to get the results i used to, lastly, it came to a point where i stopped, and think, and i realised how empty it is within myself, how things always doesn't turned out the way i wanted, how pple around me are lying to me, how they pretend in front of me, how scheming they can be and now, i started to be cautious of these people. There i was, trusting them, thinking they would treat me the same way, but i was wrong, utterly wrong. The true colours appeared right in front of my eyes, but they dunnoe. Although sometimes, i do have some attitude problems but those are just some blues that will go away sooner than it came. I am a person who have a strong will, who can think well, who treats things in a fair manner, in 2 simple words, I am like any another, "Average person", and i worked my way to where i am. Once, a person told me, "No lah, u r part of those smart clans", i turned myself toward that person and said, "No, i worked my way, i gave it my best, i worked hard." Unlike some lucky ones who have family to help them, i dun have. Unlike those who their family can afford to hire pple to teach them or to do things for them, i dun have. I wanted to have those, but i can't. I turned it to my friends, i thought they would be the one to help me through, to share the joys and pains, i guess i was wrong, partially.
On family, said b4, i had something on my shoulder, i dunnoe wad is it now, but i know it will be something real hard. Bt kor said i have my brothers to help but then to me, i think they will add on to the load. I got no choice, but he told me, never to say that i dun have a choice, coz i always do. I dunno wad happened, along the way, while talking to him, tears welled my eyes, y do i feel like crying? I dunnoe... He kind of open up the one-way street to a 2-way street, showing me another path. A person like him... I guess he is the only one around me who can really give me a correct view of the whole picture, considering everything he had faced b4.
I thought bout everything that have been said, friends, love, studies, family... Which can I depend on? Which can i fully trust? I would've said "I dunnoe" but today, at this very moment, I made it clear, I know which i can trust, and which i can't. I've always prioritise things pretty well, this time round it made no difference, I had it in mind.
I am fortunate to have a friend who's so close yet not that close to talk to. Like Ting once told me, they are the ones who see us clearly, who we wun detest from their quarky looks and who we can have a good time with. For me, someone who can give me some advice when i've reached the end of the road, or so i thought.
Glamorously lonely... Indeed... Feeling so lonely in this war between myself, my companions and the reality... I got a choice, it is just whether i want to make this choice or not.
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