Wad An EnerGY-Consuming Day..... HAi... 1st, i couldn't wake up, 2nd, i can't seem to concentrate in class, 3rd, i got very distracted by every little things that is happening around, 4th, i haven't recover from my very emotional side, 5th, i got so worked up that there is no SS test when i studied already, 6th, i can't stand Mdm khong's comments, 7th, netball match, then training....
I was extremely not in any mood to entertain anyone today... My mood was totally at the very bottom.. However, it seems like everyone is trying to make me laugh out of all the other days when i'm hyper... Wad a "great" APril FoOl! I was so god damn tired from yesterday's match and i'm still suffering from muscle fatigue. Wad's more? I was unable to focus. I kept on telling myself to focus, but it seems like I was unable to... No idea why, I got very fed up with everyone ard, I tried not to show it, and smiled whenever i'm pissed.... Fortunately, i was able to do just that...
One thing to be happy bout was that i got my score for D&T's exploration of ideas, and it was considered wonderful within the class, but i'm not satisfied actually coz i know i shouldn't get that.. Miss Lim told me " A1 student, you should know the standard." But i was glad, she was good enough to give me such high marks.
Recently, Trish is a bit over the edge... She kind of got agitated easily which i dun really understand why. She said she is very stress with band and schoolwork, but i doubt that those r the only issue, coz no matter how hard it is to cope, she'll still be able to get some time out to rest... I'm just concern bout this friend of mine... We're not very close, but somehow, she's someone i can talk to every now and then and rest assure that she wun tell anyone... Just concern, i hope she'll be ok after a while...
I'm getting very very close to ting nowadays, i wonder is it right to be so close... I mean, we wasn't that close to each other in class last time, we just talked whenever needed, this time, i've been around with her everywhere... I'm just afraid i'll get frustrated with the way she treat stuff and i dunnoe... Being too close sometimes has it's side-effects... More importantly, i didn't have time to actually go out with yuting, she's sort of complaining that i'm always with ting... I should really give this some deep thoughts... Maybe like yuting said, i've changed in some ways which i can't notice... I just detest hearing that, but i guess i must accept this fact...
I cannot believe wad happened to myself last night... I was on the internet, i was so pissed, feels so disgusting, very down... I started to complain to bt kor and chung Ee... One tells me to keep my cool and not care bout so much while the other is trying to comfort me by offering his shoulder when i need 1.... Even though i was still very down after talking to them, but at least i know they bothered to answer me and tried ways to make me feel better... When i was in the room, on my bed, i started thinking, and tears just start to roll down... Have i become so timid, so cowardly, that i have to end up crying in bed? How was that possible?! I couldn't believe it either...
All these affected my performance the next day, it was a good thing that Test was postponed coz at least i will have more time to study.. Though i was quite mad when i was told that test is postponed, mainly coz i've studied for it... BUt nvm...
Wondering why i was so emotional? Well, it is an issue that has been there since 4, 5 years ago... I have 2 brothers that dun really care bout wad's going on at home. They are always not at home, and i'm always the one that saw what kids my age shouldn't... My da kor inherited my father's laziness to save up $ for future, now being 23, he is still thinking of fun... It became worst after he changed his job. He didn't care bout wad MAma told him, and just kept on spending... Wad is earned in a month can be spent within the course of a week... MamA used to take some $ from him to pay some utilities bill but now, he kept on giving excuses that he doesn't have $... How bout me? Even me, when i went to work last year, i gave mama $ though wad i earned was that little, wad is he thinking? Trying to escape his fucking responsibilities?!Wad's more, he keeps on bringing his Gf to our house, not that she's not welcome but hey, she gotta come at the right time... She comes here, use ours, eat ours and we have to treat her like a guest? Allow her to have everything b4 we have ours... I just hate it when there's a stranger at homeand we have to pay for wad shit she used, a burden to us. If they wanna know, i dun welcome her, not any bit, i hate to see her shoes at our door, i just hate the sight of it! And my kor just let her do whatever she wants... I am so so mAd! Sometimes, she would brush her teeth in the living room and at the same time talking, i was so angry when she did that in front of me the other day, i just can't stand her way of doing things...CAn't she show some respect tom this house, although it is not good-looking but it is a home to me, to my parents! JUSt LIKE MY DA KOR! I guess that this is the reason why they're together... Future? If they were to be together, then I'll have to pray for them....
2Kor leh... Though he is not as bad as da kor but he just dun care... At home, he hates listening to my Mama talks, he'll get pissed with her nagging, though i agree that Ma is sometimes very noisy but sometimes, she is right... I just dunnoe why he can't take some advice?
These two brothers of mine is very DoT DoT DoT... They may be good boyfriends but they aren't good sons nor brothers... Why wun they just think bout how hard mama have to work to support this family and at the same time have all this fucked-up problems coming from my pa? They just keep on adding to her back... Recently, she's always complaining that she aches around, i dunnoe wad to do... She's getting on age, she's no longer that strong anymore, she wun be able to cope with everything... I tried to make her less angry, less tired... Everything that she suffers, she dun really tell my kors, it's either they ignore her or just entertain her... I dun have any financial income, i can't let her enjoy luxury but my brothers... They r able to but they refuse to, selfish BrAts!
Both live their own life... While i am here, listening to Ma's heart-felt words, i can't do anything, i can't do much to help... I'm still studying, i cant' do anything... I wonder wad will happen in future, when i'm out in society... They might just push all responsibilities to me, not that i wun take these responsibilities but at least they should share it, if not, wad's the use of having them? Sometimes, i feel so unfair.. I am fillial, I go by the rules, but ma doesn't seem to appreciate it... It is always kor this and kor that, she always say she is not those kind that prefer for sons but her every action shows that.. No matter how harsh she scolded them, she will forgive them as soon as it began but for me, she will keep remembering it, it is so unfair... SOmetimes, i would think, wads the use of being good to her when all she cares bout is them... However, no matter wad, deep within i know she cares, they r my parents, without them, there wun be me, i gotta take up this responsiblity... With or without my brothers... I will not leave my parents alone... Will NOT!
This is wad i'm bothered with... I thought life would be great after him, initially, it did, but now... Family probs... Wad i'm afraid of is that i not only have to support my parents but have to support my brothers, i hope this will never happen coz i dun think i have that ability... THEY SUX!!!!! Brothers are meant to take care of their mei, now, i'm worried for their future, not them!!!!
Why are they so selfish? So self-centred? So irresponsible? So inconsiderate, so......................... Mother-fucking FuCked UP?! SUCKS!!!! I hate their attitude, i hate the way they lead their lifes, the way they repay ma for everything she did for them... Am i able to carry on living this way? Will i have the strength to carry on? In the past, i thought i have, but now, i have doubts... Can i still continue pursuing my dreams? I am hesitating...
Conclusion; I'm having bad feelings bout my future....
Family portrait isn't the truth... Happy on the surface, tedious below....
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